Did I just get unlucky twice? Or are toxic work environments this common?

So many people have been harmed by an authority relationship within a toxic work environment. But what often goes unseen is how deeply work experiences shape our tolerance for effort and our relationship to authority.

My first two jobs after college were emotionally volatile environments run by “leaders” who were never trained to lead people. Stress was handled like genuine danger, causing everyone to associate effort itself with risk. Yelling, slammed doors, publicized ridicule, and sporadic termination were normalized as “pressure,” “standards,” “a fast-paced working environment.”

I didn’t have the insight at the time to see the situation for what it was: terrible leaders with a profound lack of emotional regulation. Instead, I internalized it. Maybe I’m not competent or tough enough for this industry I worked so hard to enter. As the pit in my stomach during my daily commute grew heavier, the toll became hard to bear. So, I left. Not just the company, but the industry entirely. And then I encountered the same dynamics again. Different setting, different industry. Same horrible misuse of leadership.

I was unlucky to experience such a concentrated dose of volatile leadership twice. Especially during a developmental window when I was ambitious, eager, and still forming my professional nervous system. That’s deeply-rooted damage that takes time to unravel.

Why it takes so long to recover from a toxic work environment

Toxic work environments taught my nervous system a few false narratives. It took nearly a decade to rewrite the stories my mind conjured up as a defense strategy.

Story: Authority figures = scary.
Reality: Unstable, emotionally dysregulated people who forced their way into power use fear tactics to spark productivity. These “leaders” are not evaluators of other people’s worth. They are fallible humans that lack the skills of relatability, self awareness, emotional regulation, and tactful communication.

Story: Mistakes = danger.
Reality: Mistakes met with yelling or intense repercussions is a mark of terrible management, not a sign that risk shouldn’t be taken and truth shouldn’t be spoken.

Story: Calm = temporary (something is coming)
Reality: When a calm, regulated nervous system feels rare and short-lived, something in the environment is off. “Regulated” doesn’t mean that nothing is challenging. You can still be emotionally regulated, even when the work itself is difficult. Just not when messing up could mean getting publicly ridiculed or fired on the spot.

I’m glad to report that since then, I have seen many examples of true, stable leadership and reached peak career success as a contractor. But still to this day, even in safe contexts, my nervous system is an over-functioning threat detector repeating a cycle of anxious anticipation and relief, instead of presence and growth. Here’s how that cycle plays out:

Anticipation overreaction (“Something bad might happen”)
Pre-emptive vigilance (Over-preparing, mentally rehearsing scenarios)
Entering the situation with a mindset of survival instead of inhabiting the moment (“Let’s get this over with” instead of “Let’s seize this opportunity”)
Relief after performance (“Phew, I survived”)
Repeat ( “That danger passed. Stay alert for the next one.”)

I spent a lot of time minimizing the effects of toxic work environments and wondering why this cycle still repeats long after the experiences were over. But insight, reflection, not even success can rewire a nervous system. The body learns safety through exposure to repeated, non-catastrophic experiences. It’s asking for updated evidence about authority, effort, and safety.

Rewiring your professional nervous system

You don’t need more analysis of what you’ve been through, or to wait to feel fully healed and anxiety-free before doing anything. You rewire your nervous system by putting in the reps without the emotional storytelling. That means no prepping excessively beforehand, narrating the meaning of every little thing that happens in the moment, or playing things back on repeat when the moment has passed. These behaviors validate dread and anxiety, giving the thoughts they generate significance, relevance, and power by acting upon them.

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” -Epictetus

Show up, do the thing, and move on. This is how you redirect power inward: towards your skills and ability to deal with things.