Closeness isn’t just about time spent. It’s heavily influenced by environment. We spend a lot of time in coffee shops and flashy “immersive” experiences that photograph well but don’t leave much room for real connection. Although these environments have their place, the coffee shop hangouts can feel too confronting, and the flashy experiences distract us from connection.
Not All Hangouts Create the Same Kind of Connection
There are three primary ‘hangout styles’ that factor in different environments, and each one shapes relationships differently.
1. Passive Proximity Hangouts (Distracting, Low-Depth)
Think movie theaters or large parties, where the activity or atmosphere itself is the focal point, not each other. If these environments dominate your hangouts, your relationship isn’t built on close connection. You’re physically in each other’s presence, but relationally disconnected.
Just because it doesn’t foster deep connection doesn’t mean the Passive Proximity Hangout is bad. It has its place. Think about someone who matters to you, but the conversation is chronically negative. You could plan time with this person around these types of hangouts. You maintain the relationship without enduring too much dialogue and exhausting yourself.
2. Direct Engagement Hangouts (Confronting, Forced Depth)
You’ve been here before. Gazing at the person across from you waiting for conversation to happen. You’re not in the moment. You’re in your head thinking about what to say, how you look, and what the other person thinks. Nothing but a picturesque cup of coffee can shake your fixation on your performance.
You leave with a fatigue that you falsely attribute to the other person “not vibing with you.” Or maybe you convince yourself you’re not built for socializing.
Some people really aren’t a good fit for you. Others truly drain your energy for various reasons. But oftentimes, you’re tired because of the excess mental weight of too much self-focus. The performance anxiety. The guesswork around what the other person thinks. The pressure to conjure up conversation. It’s natural to have social anxiety, but it’s amplified in environments like this because YOU are the focal point. You (and the other person) are solely responsible for initiating and sustaining dialogue.
In a romantic context, many first dates don’t lead to second or third dates because of this performance-based format. Both parties are strategizing ways to put their best foot forward instead of existing naturally. The other person picks up on the performance anxiety and concludes that “the vibe was off.” This isn’t the only reason first dates don’t work, and sometimes the chemistry truly isn’t there, but it’s a commonly overlooked dynamic that gets in the way of natural connection.
Direct Engagement is an ideal hangout style for relationships that already have a good conversational dynamic. This is geared towards relationships that are still blossoming.
3. Shared Experience Hangouts (Balanced, Natural Depth)
So where’s the balance between hangouts that are too distracting (something else is majority of focus) and too confronting (you are majority of focus)? Shared experiences! This hangout style creates connection without forcing conversational depth. Think concerts, bowling alleys, festivals, parks, walks, hikes, classes, and art galleries. But ‘immersive experiences’ where everyone’s using their phone aren’t shared experiences, they’re Distraction Hangouts. Shared Experience Hangouts also include everyday tasks: furniture shopping, grocery runs, walking the dog—invite someone to join you while you do something you already need to do.
When you let connection happen alongside real life, you have access to atmospheric factors that offset self-focus while supplying shared experiences and sparking conversation. Conversation doesn’t have to be crafted strategically. It’s sparked spontaneously and reactively. When conversation is initiated by something external, it takes the pressure off. Discussion unfolds naturally instead of relying on scripted questions or performative self-disclosure. You offer your knowledge of a sport or craft, remark on the beauty of the trees or the formation of the clouds, and belt your favorite parts of a song that plays. The conversation isn’t always philosophically profound. True enjoyment and connection originates in the unrefined immediacy of the present moment.
The Power of Shared Experience Hangouts
When my husband and I started dating, his work and schooling consumed his time. With time so scarce, he’d invite me to join him for random activities and errands. This cultivated a couple things for our relationship. First, it signaled that my presence was what mattered, even if the activity seemed mundane.
Then there was the quality of that time. It felt natural, not like the high stakes interviews that often unfurl early in relationships. Q&A sessions don’t actually lead to mutual understanding. Humans aren’t great at knowing their own blind spots or accurately putting their inner experience into words, especially when they’re nervous. You understand someone more by seeing how they live, not just hearing how they explain themselves. You learn someone’s personal style and behavior patterns based on what they gravitate towards and how they respond to everyday situations, not by simply asking them and expecting an easy answer.
Even meeting my husband’s parents wasn’t a big, anxiety-inducing event. It happened organically. “Hey my dad’s stopping by, wanna stick around?” I didn’t have the time to overthink and over plan. To script what I should say, plan what I should wear, or research what I should do. It wasn’t some stuffy, formal meetup. Dad showed up to meet me just as I am. It went wonderfully smooth. My nervous system was calm. And it wasn’t a mystery of fate. It was the approach and the hangout style. Sometimes what makes things so daunting isn’t the event itself. It’s the self-imposed pressure and expectation that depresses our presence and authenticity.
Shared experiences don’t just deepen relationships, they recalibrate us. The marketing-trained attachment we have to spectacle loosens its grip. We find our way back to quiet, ordinary joys. We feel human again.
Choose the Hangout Style That Supports the Relationship You Want
Each hangout style has a purpose. And amid a loneliness epidemic, any format is better than social withdrawal. I don’t want you to think about certain hangout styles or activities as good or bad. This is about matching your relationship goals with the hangout style that supports those goals. Plan more Shared Experience hangouts with the people you want to deepen your relationship with. Leverage Passive Proximity hangouts for people whose conversation drains you. Save Direct Engagement interactions for someone you have good conversational rhythm with (it won’t feel as confronting in that case).
We tend to think conversational depth is about topic seriousness. But real depth comes from emotional honesty. And you don’t owe that to everyone. Besides, level of conversational depth doesn’t classify whether a relationship counts or not. Make room for a range of depth levels in your relationships.
