People Pleasing Redefined

A Closer Look at People Pleasing

People pleasing is one of the most prevalent reasons for suppressing our emotions and needs. Often painted with a broad brush as problematic behavior to be fixed, people pleasing is an aspect of human interaction that deserves closer examination. While it can sometimes lead to self-abandonment or emotionally manipulative behavior, people pleasing, at its core, stems from a desire to connect with others and build community, and that’s beautiful. Plus, as this Swaddle article puts it: “demonizing people-pleasing also inevitably leads to romanticizing the “not giving a fuck” rhetoric.”

People Pleasing as a Survival Tactic

People-pleasing is often rooted in survival instincts. In abusive environments, voicing opinions or concerns can result in dangerous situations. Many people are navigating personal relationships or work environments where emotional instability, unpredictability, and power dynamics are prevalent. I spent a majority of my career in such environments. In these environments, people-pleasing was my lifeline. I used it to prevent getting fired, to avoid being harshly scolded, and to shield myself from the retribution that could ensue if I more genuinely spoke my mind.

My behavior did not occur to me as a survival tactic at the time. Instead, I took my less-than-genuine behavior as a sign that something was wrong with me. After all, fear-oriented environments impair clarity of mind. Negative self-talk stepped in to tell me that I wasn’t cut out for the job. It convinced me that what needed “fixing” was myself. Years after distancing myself from volatile workplaces, I realized that my tendency to people-please wasn’t due to a lack of skills. It wasn’t an inherent part of who I was. I was protecting myself.

People Pleasing as a Tool for Navigating Ambiguity in Interpersonal Interactions

The tendency to people-please can also originate from difficulty navigating the conflicting emotions and behaviors of others. The humans we interact with might carry emotional baggage or lingering resentment from unrelated personal experiences, and this can subtly shape their conduct toward us. It can be confusing to hear kind words but feel in your body an uneasy feeling. A lack of social clarity can affect the way we communicate and behave, leading us to question our own authenticity.

It’s important to recognize the complexity of social interactions and break away from the notion that conversation is about your perfectly genuine performance. It is not your job, nor is it possible, to discern and control the many factors that could be driving someone else’s energy and behavior.

This Medium Article by Alisa Keppie talks more about people pleasing as a survival tactic.

When People Pleasing Doesn’t Require Fixing

For the better part of my professional experience, I found myself navigating interactions with executives delicately, studying their every word and action to plan what my next move should be in order to obtain acceptance. I felt uneasy about my behavior in these interactions. I berated myself for not being genuine enough. Surely, I might have benefited from having more faith in my ability to articulate and defend my ideas, regardless of the other person’s demeanor. However, the most significant revelation was recognizing that some environments involve power dynamics, hidden agendas, or outright discrimination. Under these circumstances, spoken word is unlikely to align with body language, energy, and actions. The cautious behavior I exhibited as a result was not a flaw that I needed to fix about myself.

Not Everyone Deserves Full Access to Your Fully Authentic Self, All the Time

While authenticity is a worthy pursuit, not everyone is entitled access to every facet of your identity at all times. I love me some vulnerability, but it takes rapport and trust to be vulnerable with others. There are situations where withholding certain aspects of yourself is a necessary matter of physical or psychological safety. Rather than trying to resolve an uncontrollable situation, let certain interactions be awkward. Knowing what that feels like can help you identify healthier environments where you are safer to express yourself.

Differentiating Between External Chaos and Internal Identity

We all have moments when our behavior seems out of sync. Sometimes, these deviations call for reflection to understand what is causing us to act out of alignment. Other times, it’s a simple matter of being surrounded by assholes, being in a strange situation, or experiencing a temporary “funk” that doesn’t warrant deep self-analysis.