“The desire to fix another is an active avoidance of the neglected self.” -J. Mike Fields

Shortcuts
Comparison
Grandeur
Control

In wanting the people we love to live up to our expectations, we tend to create an idealized version of them. If reality fails to match that image (and it will), disappointment follows.

“All human unhappiness comes from not facing reality squarely, exactly as it is.” -Jean-Paul Sartre

Influence vs. Control

You can influence others, like being a supportive presence or connecting someone to resources or opportunities. But you must recognize the limitations of that influence. You can’t make someone change or dictate the outcomes of their life. Considering what you can actually control, the only practical move is to accept and support others as they are.

inside your control:

- Your behaviors

- Your reactions

- Your choices

outside your control:

- Other people’s behaviors

- Other people’s reactions

- Other people’s choices

The Ultimate Example of Letting Go of Control: A Family Member with a Drug Addiction

I watched my sister suffer through a substance use disorder for twenty years. It taught me hard lessons about acceptance, the limits of my influence, and letting go of control.

Addiction is a painful and heart-wrenching experience for a family. Despite futile attempts to fix her addiction, it became clear that no one can take control of it but her. Even for the user, battling a brain rewired by addiction is a lifelong struggle beyond mere willpower.

“They need to want to get clean” is a phrase we often grasp logically. Still, recovery is about far more than just desire. It’s a battle influenced by societal welfare, biology, environment, support systems, and out-of-reach healthcare.

I desperately wanted to rescue my sister. A desire born from disillusionment, a lack of acceptance, and my own addiction to control. Also reflected here was my own challenges with another “deadly sin of growth:” grandeur. That is, believing I had more power and responsibility than I really did.

There’s no clear set of instructions for healing journeys, no matter the nature or scale. They can take many different forms and directions. But one thing is true for all of them: they can’t start without acceptance. That’s like asking for directions while refusing to share your current location.

I couldn’t change my sister’s addiction, but I could change my response to it. Instead of trying to control her, I focused on accepting the realities of addiction. I learned to better manage myself and process my emotions. By letting go of the pressure to fix, I freed myself from an unreasonable sense of personal responsibility.

They say the opposite of addiction isn’t abstinence, it’s connection. An addict’s greatest opportunity for recovery takes place in an environment of nonjudgmental compassion. The disappointment resulting from the inability to successfully fix my sister’s addiction depleted my ability to be nonjudgemental and compassionate. I burnt out. I grew angry and resentful. Not because of the addiction itself, but because of the mismatch between my controlling behavior vs. what my efforts can actually achieve.

Letting go of control and accepting people as they are is not giving up on them. It’s an act that frees us to channel our efforts into areas where we could actually make an impact.