Interpersonal Communication and Emotional Caretaking
When the skills of interpersonal communication, like expressing feelings and needs, is absent: emotional caretaking emerges.
Emotional caretaking is especially common in families that communicate using dismissive, embellished, and vague language in an effort to wash away the difficulty. Emotional caretaking is when we believe it to be our duty to anticipate and meet the needs of others.
These attempts have inconsistent results due to unreliable information: assumptions about other people’s emotions often fall short of the truth. Many humans are navigating life without skills in interpersonal communication, and without an understanding of their own emotions. So how can we possibly be qualified to understand someone else’s emotions for them?
The Complexity of Emotions
Emotions are often oversimplified into categories like happiness, fear, anger, and sadness. Most emotional experiences are a complicated blend of these primary states.
Interpersonal communication thrives on self-awareness. Self-awareness involves more than just developing a deep understanding of our emotions. It also means recognizing the feelings they create, the narratives we attach to them, and the underlying messages they are trying to convey. No emotion is inherently bad. It is the awareness and responsible management of emotions that matter.
Interpersonal Communication in Action: What it Means to Not Let Emotions Control You
Feelings are signals of an underlying need. Feeling anxious about a presentation may signal a need for more preparation. If you hurt someone, feeling guilty may signal a need to take responsibility and make amends to restore trust.
This is what it means to not let your emotions control you.
It doesn’t mean to ignore them and rely solely on logical reasoning.
Nor does it mean using their validity to excuse shitty behavior.
It means getting to know your emotional responses, recognizing how they feel, identifying the underlying need they’re signaling, and responding with thoughtful interpersonal communication.
The Problem with Guesswork
Emotional caretaking for others is ineffective because the same feeling can require different interventions. Consider fatigue as an example. The meaning of fatigue is commonly oversimplified as “tired,” with the underlying need often reduced to sleep. While sometimes feeling tired is a call for sleep, other times it necessitates activity and social interaction–two contradictory actions that could alleviate the same feeling. Fatigue can stem not only from a lack of sleep, but from factors like mental exhaustion, a sedentary lifestyle, depression, a lack of meaningful pursuits, or nutritional deficiencies. This underscores the need to examine our feelings to identify the underlying need they signify in the context of our own lives.
This is a process that can only be self-led. As we aspire to develop interpersonal communication skills, if we pretend we don’t need to do the work of emotional regulation, other people will eventually feel the pressure to do it for us.
“If anyone is magically going to appear and suddenly make your life better, just know that person is always going to be you.”
-Unknown
Emotional caretaking sounds like: “You must be tired, let’s cancel our plans so you can sleep.” In reality, that person may have been socially withdrawn lately, needing to socialize to build energy. This is an example of how trying to speak for others’ feelings is ineffective and potentially counterproductive and harmful. Asking questions that encourage reflection and open communication is more beneficial than performing guesswork about other people’s emotional states and making decisions for them. “How are you feeling?” “What would be helpful for you right now?”
The Role of Authenticity in Interpersonal Communication
Withholding feelings is a form of disingenuous speech that not only impacts our lives but also influences the behavior of those around us. We typically associate dishonesty with telling blatant lies. Each time we edit what we want to say to please someone else, decide not to discuss what’s important to us, bottle up resentment, or avoid confronting behaviors that cause harm, we are choosing dishonest speech. Moreover, we shift the burden of deciphering the underlying truth of our needs and emotions onto others. This is especially ironic when the motivation for suppressing our emotions and needs is to spare others from burden. If people don’t get the gut-honest truth about how you’re feeling and what you need, they can sense something’s off. They’re left to guess or attempt to advocate on your behalf. When we cultivate awareness of our feelings and manage them effectively, we relieve others from attempting to do it for us.
By developing awareness of your emotions and their underlying needs, interpersonal communication flows naturally. “I’m a little drained from the flight, I think a nap will help.” “I’ve been feeling isolated lately, so going out tonight would be nice.” Good self-leadership will build trust and reassurance, alleviating the worry placed on others to resolve matters for you.
Being a Good Communicator Isn’t About Words
Far from being selfish, handling your emotions and communicating your needs is an act of service. It doesn’t just develop your interpersonal communication skills. It allows you to live authentically while freeing up capacity for your loved ones to do the same.
Authenticity is being sincere in self-expression, acting as a responsible steward of our own feelings, beliefs, and values. Being a good communicator and self-advocate takes the skills of self-awareness (recognizing the underlying need behind a feeling) and self-leadership (communicating and acting upon that need) more so than being skilled with words.
A Step-by-Step Guide to Practicing Emotional Awareness and Management
To summarize, here’s a step-by-step example of practicing self-led emotional awareness and management:
Awareness Phase
1. Observe What You Feel
You notice that you’re feeling sluggish and mentally drained. You articulate that your body feels tense, with a tightness in your shoulders and a lingering sense of discomfort in your lower back. It feels like your mind is slow to process information, making engaging with others difficult. Instead of brushing it off as general fatigue, you pause to reflect: What’s causing these feelings?
2. Identify the Underlying Need
It occurs to you that you’ve been sitting in the same position for hours. You realize the issue isn’t about exhaustion or needing more caffeine, but a lack of movement. Your body is signaling the need to get your blood flowing.
Acton Phase
3. Respond with Thoughtful Communication and Responsible Action
Instead of snapping at a family member whose attempt at engaging with you feels overwhelming in your current state, you take responsibility. You invite someone to join you in a walk to shake the mental and physical lethargy.
