When Attempts to “Better Myself” Backfired
I used to think that to better myself meant fixing my every inadquacy and shielding myself from emotional or relational challenges. How others perceived me was a top priority. My performance was meticulously self-monitored. I guarded a nascent sense of inner peace as if it was treasure. I self-preserved my way into complete isolation and depression.
Humans are often misled into believing that maintaining inner peace and setting healthy boundaries means eliminating anything that challenges us. Boundaries are often misinterpreted as a way to ice people out the moment things get tough. I enforced boundaries not to better myself, nor out of self-respect or a genuine act of safety, but to avoid social discomfort. I disengaged from important relationships. Eventually, I realized that I was avoiding the effort of reflection, mutual understanding, and repair.
Instead of bringing me peace or “bettering myself,” the strict boundary-setting phase of my life left me disconnected and lonely. The fix: genuine human connection. Genuine both in my approach to the relationship and in the connection itself.
Redefining Growth: To Better Myself Through Others
Personal growth isn’t about you. This is about becoming a better version of yourself within the context of the relationships and communities that give life meaning. Beyond the solitary journey to self-optimize, to truly grow is to embrace a cycle of introspection and relational effort. This approach empowers you to:
- Consider what you discover about yourself to gain a deeper understanding of other humans.
- Use the insights from your self-awareness to guide your attitude, behavior, and decision-making.
- Distinguish between external stressors and personal shortcomings.
- Understand your desires, fears, limitations, beliefs, and values. Then, communicate plainly in those terms.
- Practice grace and compassion for yourself and others.
- Know the difference between your tendencies and your identity.
- Believe that you can learn new skills and figure things out.
- Recognize self-defeating behavior patterns.
- Commit to lifelong learning and steady growth.
