Did I just get unlucky twice? Or are toxic work environments this common?
So many people have been harmed by an authority relationship within a toxic work environment. But what often goes unseen is how deeply work experiences shape our tolerance for effort and relationship to authority.
My first two jobs after college were emotionally volatile environments run by leaders who were never trained to lead. Stress was handled like genuine danger, causing everyone to associate effort itself with risk. Raised voices, slammed doors, public ridicule, and sporadic termination were normalized as “pressure,” “standards,” “a fast-paced working environment.”
At the time, I couldn’t see the situation for what it was: environments run by people who can’t manage their emotions. Instead, I internalized it. Maybe I’m not competent or tough enough for the industry I worked so hard to enter. So, I left. Not just the company, but the industry entirely. And then I encountered the same dynamics again. Different setting, different industry. Same misuse of leadership.
I was unlucky to experience a concentrated dose of volatile leadership twice. Especially during a developmental window when I was ambitious, eager, and still forming my professional nervous system. That deeply-rooted damage takes time to unravel.
Why it takes so long to recover from a toxic work environment
Toxic work environments taught my nervous system a few false narratives. It took nearly a decade to rewrite the stories my mind conjured up as a defense strategy.
Story: Authority figures = scary.
Reality: Unstable, emotionally dysregulated people who forced their way into power use fear tactics to spark productivity. These “leaders” are not evaluators of other people’s worth. They are fallible humans that lack the skills of relatability, self awareness, emotional regulation, and tactful communication.
Story: Mistakes = danger.
Reality: When the ease of a regulated nervous system feels rare or short-lived, something in the environment is off. “Regulated” doesn’t mean that nothing is ever challenging. You can still be emotionally regulated, even when the work itself is difficult. Just not when messing up could mean getting publicly ridiculed or fired on the spot.
I’m glad to report that since then, I have seen many examples of true, stable leadership. But still to this day, even in safe contexts, my nervous system is an over-functioning threat detector repeating a cycle of anxious anticipation and relief, instead of presence and growth. Here’s how that cycle plays out:
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Anticipation overreaction (“Something bad might happen”)
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Pre-emptive vigilance (Over-preparing, mentally rehearsing scenarios)
- Entering situations with a mindset of survival instead of inhabiting the moment (“Let’s get this over with” instead of “Let’s seize this opportunity”)
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Relief after performance (“Phew, I survived”)
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Repeat ( “That danger passed. Stay alert for the next one.”)
I spent a lot of time minimizing the effects of toxic work environments and wondering why this cycle still repeats long after the experiences were over. But insight, reflection, not even success can rewire a nervous system. The body learns safety through exposure to repeated, non-catastrophic experiences. It’s asking for updated evidence about authority and effort.
Rewiring your professional nervous system
You don’t need more analysis of what you’ve been through, or to wait to feel fully healed and anxiety-free before doing anything. You rewire your nervous system by putting in the reps without the emotional storytelling. That means no prepping excessively beforehand, narrating the meaning of every little thing that happens in the moment, or playing things back on repeat when the moment has passed. These behaviors validate dread and anxiety, giving the thoughts they generate significance, relevance, and power by acting on them. Show up, do the thing, and move on quickly. This is how you redirect power inward. The more you act without resolving every worry, the quieter the mind becomes.
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” -Epictetus
“You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” – Marcus Aurelius
“A man who suffers before it is necessary, suffers more than is necessary.” – Seneca
