How to Become More Self Aware: Think About Self Awareness as a Social Skill.
Self-reflection without social practice doesn’t make you self-aware, just self-focused.
Your own mind isn’t a reliable source of self knowledge. That’s because:
- You are your own biggest critic. The mistakes stand out the most, the good is forgotten, and the bad is justified.
- Your mind is hijacked by external influences, expectations, and the lingering voices of people who hurt you.
You won’t grow in the chaos of your mind. Relationships are where you test, challenge and expand self-understanding.
Your Impact Isn’t Self-Evident, It’s Relational.
If you’re wondering how to become more self aware, realize that your influence isn’t seen by you, it’s felt by others.
A friend recently asked me, “How are you so calm all the time?” My response: “…I’M CALM!??”
You know how you feel and what you intend. But to know how you actually land with people? You need other people’s help with that. Sometimes I don’t FEEL calm inside, but it’s nice to hear that’s how I am received. I am calm not because of how I feel, but because I PROJECT calm.
Another example: I observe and reflect before I speak, which projects disengagement. Disengagement is not my intent, but it’s my impact. My task isn’t to change myself into becoming a quick processor. It’s to pair my awareness with social management. That sounds like, “My silence isn’t disengagement, I’m just processing.” I might also self-manage by buying myself time. “I’m really absorbing all of this.. can I organize my thoughts and call you back in the morning?”
None of this awareness came to me on its own. It came from other peoples responses, reactions, and direct feedback.
You Can’t See Yourself Without a Mirror. Other People Are Your Mirror.
What are the behaviors you don’t intend, but that other people experience?
If you interrupt people a lot when you get excited, you project disrespect, not excitement.
If you reply with short responses, you project annoyance, not that you’re a thoughtful person who’s just in a hurry.
Other people are the most reliable and underutilized tool for how to become more self aware. How you come across is up to the people you interact with, not you. And they’re right. Because you are the ultimate justifier of your behavior.
“I was provoked.”
“The only reason I did that is because you…”
“I didn’t mean to snap like that, I was just stressed.”
Other people tell you, regardless of intent or explanation, that you make X impact.
Maybe part of who you are is that you tend to lash out when you’re stressed. Growth happens when you own that, then foresee and manage it better.
“I tend to lash out when I’m stressed, I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t deserve the backlash of my stressful day.”
“I am feeling overwhelmed and don’t want to lose my cool, can I have a moment to think?”
Do your best. Pay attention to other people’s responses. Solicit their input. “How did I come across?”
Then, as Maya Angelou said, as you know better, do better.
Nuance: Not all feedback is truth. Some people project, manipulate, or weaponize their perspective of you. The goal isn’t to absorb every opinion. It’s to discern which perspectives are offered in good faith, and which are meant to shrink you. Healthy self-awareness is built through quality mirrors, not distorted funhouse mirrors that warp you into something you’re not. You’re the ultimate decider of what input resonates and is helpful to your growth.
Questions to support your discernment:
- Is this person invested in my growth, or are they invested in control, comfort, or being right?
- Does this person generally want what’s good for me?
- Did they share this to support me, or to shame me? Does this feel challenging but clarifying, or confusing and hurtful?
- Does the tone feel caring or cutting?
- Is this feedback specific and actionable? Can I do something about it?
- Have I heard this from more than one trustworthy person? Does this reflect a pattern I’ve noticed about myself before? Or is this coming out of nowhere (and only from this one person?
